Legolas and the Transvetite
by Bruxton
Summary: Legolas and his adventures with a transvestite, as well as a drug addicted dwarf and Elmo....
1. Chamber Meeting

Dislcaimer: I do not own anything which refers to LOTR, nor do I won Elmo or the Rubber Ducky and the Chopsticks of doom. Those belong to my friend for whom I wrote this fic.  
  
Legolas and the Transvestite  
  
The air of Mirkwood was still. Something was coming.  
  
IT had been 20 years since the incident of the Ring and since then the most powerful symbol of leadership had become a mysterious rubber ducky given as a present to Lord Elrond from the new leader of New Moria, Lord Elmo.  
  
Today a meeting had been planned to discuss who should have the time share plan to watch after the duck while Lord Elrond was off at Boca Rotan. Aragorn, King of Gondor, Gimli, the roaming mushroom and moss licker, as well as Lord Elmo himself would be present, and Legolas had to hurry to make it on time.  
  
As he arrived at the counsel meeting area he found that he was the only one present so he sat down and began to do his hair. "NO!" cried Legolas, "Split ends!" He obsessively pulled out a knife and began hacking away at his hair trying to get rid of the blasted split ends as the rest of the counsel members began to arrive. Gimli walked in first with a bag of mushrooms hanging over his shoulder and his eye began to twitch. They were wide and blood shot and he had dyed his beard green. Lord Elmo arrived next, short and red, as well as attractively fuzzy, as Gimli was eyeing him from the seat across from him. Slowly, he moved a chair over at a time and gave Lord Elmo the "how YOU doing?" nod. Elmo's eyes merely stared at him demonically as he twirled the chopsticks of doom in his hands.  
  
Lord Elrond entered, followed by the rest of the members, and they were seated, though Aragorn was strangely absent.  
  
"Friends, and Gimli, we are here to decide who shall watch over the powerful duck while I am in Boca Rotan."  
  
"OOO! OOO!" squealed Elmo, "I will take the duck, Lord Elrond." He stared at the duck, licking his lips.  
  
Just then, a woman walked into the meeting and said, "I will take the duck."  
  
Lord Elrond raised an FBI agent's eyebrow and said "OK" and presented the woman with the duck, put on his burmuda shorts and left.  
  
Elmo left the room, pouting, with Gimli following close behind. As soon as they were out of the room, Gimli took a mushroom from his sack and stuffed it in Elmo's mouth, slung Elmo over his shoulder and ran off into the woods, laughing maniacally.  
  
Now, Legolas, finished cutting his split ends, walked up to this mysterious woman and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and Legolas gasped in shock... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. Where did he go wrong?

The blonde turned around to reveal Aragorn, in drag.  
  
"What the hell are you doing, Aragorn?!" Legolas slowly backed away.  
  
"Aragorn? My name is Billy-Sue. What's your name, handsome?"  
  
Legolas turned to run but was distracted by the contrast of the gauzy dress and Aragorn's chest hair sticking out the top.  
  
Aragorn advanced on Legolas, trying to be sexy and licking his lips as he stared at Legolas' blue eyes. He came up on him and stroked his hair as Legolas began to convulse on the floor. Aragorn looked concerned so he picked Legolas up and carried him back to his room.to rest.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Legolas woke up, comforted by the warm sheets surrounding him. He was about to return to sleep when he realized he was missing the clothes he'd been wearing only a moment earlier. He sat up and looked around, desperately searching for his misplaced clothes when he realized he was only missing his shirt, which was a relief. Until, of course, he realized that his pants were now on inside out.  
  
He jumped out of the bed and was going to make a break from the door, but Ara.Billy-Sue came back just as he was getting up.  
  
"Oh, good! You're awake! I was sooo worried!" "she" said, "But you shouldn't be up! You need to rest! You look so pale!"  
  
"I'm an elf, it happens", said Legolas, attempting to resist Billy-sue's attempts to push him back into bed.  
  
He was fending "her" off well, found his shirt, closed his eyes and dove between his legs to get to the door. In an instant he was down the hall and into the woods with Billy-sue calling after him, "Come back you dirty boy! You need your rest!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Safely in the woods Legolas stopped to puzzle the recent events out in his mind. As he was standing in a confused daze, her heard rustlings coming from behind a near by bush. He had never heard a squeal like that ever before, so he went to investigate.  
  
He parted the bushes' branches and shouted in disgust at what he saw. "OH! That is the SICKEST thing I have EVER SEEN!" He cried. 


	3. Peekaboo!

Behind the bush was a drug induced orgy of Gimli and Lord Elmo, who was tied to a nearby tree.  
  
"You've arrived just in time, Master Elf," said Gimli, " would you like a mushroom?" He held out a large mushroom from his pack and offered it to Legolas. Legolas ran away screaming as the dwarf gave pursuit.  
  
"You know you want to try it!" He yelled after the fleeing Prince before running into a tree and tumbling backwards into a pile of dung.  
  
"Safe at last," Legolas said, finding that the dwarf was no longer behind him.  
  
"Well, I've been waiting for you to show up, stranger." Legolas groaned and turned around to find Aragorn in a lacey pink thong, leaning against the tree behind him. Legolas tried to gauge his eyes out, but to no avail, as Billy-sue restrained him.  
  
Billy-sue, after finding "herself" concerned that Legolas may injure himself, tied his hands behind his back and, again, lifted Legolas onto "her" shoulders and this time carried him to a nearby thicket.  
  
In the center of the thicket was a red colored bed, covered in pink and white rose petals.  
  
Legolas was kicking and screaming as Billy-sue gently tossed him onto the bed. "She" was ready to pounce when a familiar sword was pointed at his neck.  
  
"So THIS is what you do when I'm not around!" Yelled an outraged Arwen.  
  
"Arwen! So lovely to see you darling! It's been sooo long!" Replied Billy- sue, hugging Arwen.  
  
"Arwen! He's snapped! Help ME!" Shouted a terrified Legolas.  
  
"YOU! How could you do this to me?!" She screamed, leveling the sword to Legolas' gut, instead of Aragorn, "I KNEW you'd do this someday! But I never thought I'd be around to see it!" Turning to look at Billy-sue, she said, "Is that my thong?"  
  
Billy-sue looked red in the face but said nothing.  
  
Arwen sat on the edge of the bad, wailing, while Billy-sue desperately tried to rid "herself" of the massive wedgie "she" was experiencing from the thong. Legolas was groaning on the bed as he saw a short, squat shape stumbling their direction through the underbrush.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	4. Shroom baby!

"Ah, master Elf! I see you're still alive. Would you like a mushroom, now?" asked Gimli (Elmo on the leash behind him).  
  
Legolas looked around his current situation. Arwen was weeping on the end of the bed, Aragorn/Billy-sue was picking at his g-string, he was hog-tied on a bed, and Lord Elmo of Moria was on the end of a leash held at the other end by and adoring subject. Things could always be worse, he thought.  
  
"Sure," he said, accepting the offer of the mushroom.  
  
"There's a good lad," said Gimli, as he slipped the mushroom into Legolas' mouth. Lord Elmo only looked on in despair, Gimli had stolen his chopsticks of doom.  
  
Legolas gratefully chewed the mushroom up, not wanting to be in his current predicament any longer. Soon enough, he was flying.  
  
Everything was turning purple, oddly skewed, but purple. Legolas was drooling on himself, but he didn't care. He was no longer tormented by the sight of Billy-sue in a pink thong, and he could finally see his true love. The only one who could rid him of the horrible pain he was feeling.  
  
He began to fly towards Bill the Pony, longing to be with him again. He took Bill the Pony into his arms and looked deeply into his eyes, saying, "I've never forgiven Sam and Aragorn for letting you go all those years ago. I've been in agony without you."  
  
Bill the Pony made no response, he only let out a long, mournful fart.  
  
Legolas was falling in love all over again. "Oh, Bill! I've missed you so much!" He said, as he laid a passionate kiss on Bill's lips. He almost suffocated himself from drool emitted by Bill, but he didn't care. It only brought him closer to his true love.  
  
*dream waves* Back in the real world..  
  
Legolas was limp on the bed, drooling on himself, while Gimli was poking him with a point, flaming stick, trying to see how many times he could do so before catching him on fire.  
  
Billy-sue was trying to console Arwen by telling her that she was too good for this Aragorn guy and if he couldn't respect such a beautiful, sexy woman, than he doesn't deserve her. Arwen was staring at Billy-sue with a blank expression, not knowing what to say to her lover turned transvestite.  
  
Lord Elmo, whom Gimli still clung to, was trying to gnaw through the leash in an attempt to get away while the trees in the grove were rustling gently in the breeze.. ~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	5. Chopsticks of doom! to the rescue!

While Gimli was playing with fire, Lord Elmo of Moria had cut himself free of the constricting leash and was rifling through Gimli's bag, looking for his chopsticks of doom.  
  
"ooo, pretty fire."said Gimli, as he set his beard on fire. "Put it out! Put it out!" he cried. Billy-sue, being the quick thinker that "she" is, whipped off the bed sheet and smothered the dwarf, putting out his beard fire, and dumping Legolas on the ground. The impact was enough to wake him out of his catatonic state and he groaned as he realized he was in a sex den and with his true love nowhere to be found.  
  
HE had found, however, the everyone was a bit too preoccupied, so he called to Lord Elmo and implored him to use his chopsticks of doom to free him. Elmo considered and looked at Legolas, menacingly. "What'll you give me if I do?" "I'll help you retrieve the rubber ducky from Ara..Billy-sue," he said, practically spitting on the name of his former companion. "I know you want it."  
  
Elmo couldn't help but drool at the thought of that rubber ducky. "Very well." Lord Elmo deftly cut Legolas' bindings and the pair ran off through the woods, leaving the transvestite, forlorn she-elf, and the smoking dwarf to themselves.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Inside the previously evacuated chambers of Billy-sue.  
  
"If you were a rubber ducky, where would you be?..."pondered Legolas.  
  
Lord Elmo could only laugh maniacally at the thought of the rubber ducky being in his possession again. Legolas stared at him, but continued to search, thinking it was better not to ask.  
  
After the entire room had been searched there was only one place left to look.  
  
The underwear drawer.  
  
Legolas took a deep breath and opened the drawer, nearly blinded by all the flourescant colors and gagging at the sight of all the frilly-ness.  
  
But he found the duck.  
  
Lord Elmo jumped on it, waving his chopsticks of doom, as he jumped out the window before realizing that he was too high off the ground to land without breaking something.  
  
Legolas cringed at the sound of the crunching bones and the final, long squeak of the rubber ducky as he hit the ground. But Legolas was free!  
  
~~~~~ Lord Elrond was on his way home from Boca Rotan when he found a fuzzy red patch of grass beneath the window. Nestled inside it was the rubber ducky, so he picked it up and took it back for safe keeping. Lord Elmo let out an agonizing wheeze when he realized that the rubber ducky had eluded him again.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Legolas was strolling out of the room when he heard a *clack clack clack* following him down the hall. When he stopped, so did the clacking. He turned around to find Billy-sue, thong-less and panting in high heels behind him. Without hesitation he ran.. 


End file.
